Last winter, I had the pleasure of playing in the pit band of a local theater's production of "the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee." The show was part of what the theater called its Mentorship Program. In other words: the production was entirely student-led down to the choreographers, set designer, conductor, and director.

And maybe it's just because I walked into the first rehearsal with very little expectations, but the entire experience caught me off guard.

If you haven't seen the musical yet, some of the opinions I'm about to share might not resonate, and some of the show's best moments might get spoiled. But that's all the more reason for you to watch it yourself!


My first introduction to the Spelling Bee was actually a couple years ago, from the audience of a friend's high school production. By the time I was seated in the auditorium with my program, staring at the set and waiting for the lights to dim, I had already formulated an opinion. I mean, the promotional art alone paints the show as a juvenile, surface-level story for kids.

And sure, superficially that's exactly what it is. The story follows Putnam County Middle School's six quirky spelling bee competitors as they strive for first place in the highly esteemed competition.

The Spelling Bee is a comedy show, and it's loaded with hilarious one-liners and witty jokes- some of which my family still find ourselves quoting months later. Douglas Panch, the official 'word pronouncer' is typically played by an improv comedian, and comes up with ridiculous examples whenever contestants ask for their words to be used in a sentence (one of my favourites being: 'Mexican': someone from Mexico, OR an American slang term for anyone from Puerto Rico, Brazil, the Dominican Republic, or Spain.")

I also love how the show plays around with the choreography. Actors were hiding under tables, throwing cookies at each other, and walking in s l o o o o w   m o t i o n. Each character felt so animated and alive which, along with the minimal use of props, small cast, and admittedly simple story-line, established a fun, light-hearted tone.

But the Spelling Bee is so much more profound than the frivolous adventures of a class of competitive 12 year olds.

Don't get me wrong- if you want to walk away with a free juice box and a couple of laughs, you'll definitely be satisfied. But sitting through dozens of late night rehearsals gave me plenty of time to really dive deeper into what the Spelling Bee is all about.
One of the most defining (and catchiest) songs in the Spelling Bee is "Pandemonium." While certain contestants get asked to spell words like "staphylococcus" and "antediluvian," others get "crayon" or "cow." And the students express their frustration in the most appropriate way: an aggressive 3-minute dance number with retaliatory choreography.

Now, the word "pandemonium" literally means "chaos." It comes from John Milton's Paradise Lost, and is the capital of Hell, where demons dwell and wreck havoc on the world. And while the thought of prepubescent spelling bee contestants arguing over the injustice of their contest is certainly engaging, the lyrics of "Pandemonium" raise an interesting question: is life actually pandemonium?

The bee is an allegory for life. Everyday, we face injustices of our own. From the moment we first open our eyes, life just doesn't seem fair.

I mean, some people are born into well-off families in safe countries with loving parents. But others are born into war. Others are born with incurable disease. And still others die before they even get the chance to be born.

Some get asked to spell "staphylococcus." Others get asked to spell "cow."

Or as the refrain of "Pandemonium" puts it: "the best speller won't necessarily win."

The rules of the bee are very clearly laid out at the beginning of the musical, and are constantly being repeated throughout. "Once you start to spell a word, you may start over but the sequences of letters already spoken may not be changed."

The contestants memorize these rules. They live by them. They cling to them. In the introductory song, they chant the rules word-for-word as if in a daze.

"Onceyoustarttospellawordyoumaystartoverbutthesequencesoflettersalreadyspokenmaynotbechanged."

These rules are what give the contestants' chaotic lives order and logic. They're bullied at school for being too nerdy. They don't have nurturing parents or supportive families. Even the words they're asked to spell are unpredictable. But the bee's rules are a way of navigating the confusion and havoc of their lives.

And if life really is pandemonium, what are our spelling bee rules? What do we cling onto to make sense of the nonsense going on around us?

Well, I don't know if that's what Rachel Sheinkin was wondering when she wrote the script for the Spelling Bee. But something that perfectly illustrates that question is the audience participation element of the musical.

During the first half of the show, three or four audience members are asked on stage as 'guest spellers.' Watching them stumble through the word onomatopoeia (especially when they're twice the age of the other competitors) is a fun gag, but it also manifests that theme of life's pandemonium by creating a situation where no one- not the guest spellers, not the actors, not the audience- knows what to expect.

I've seen the Spelling Bee as an audience member, a guest speller, and a pit musician. I've seen it performed by professional actors, and by high school amateurs. I've had the privilege of experiencing the show from all angles.

And I know that it isn't the most popular or world-renowned musical, but the best musicals aren't necessarily the most successful. Or, in the words of Chip Tolentino "the best speller won't necessarily win."

So, just like how life's pandemonious moments can catch us by surprise, that's why the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee caught me off guard.

The Greek word for "remember" is μνήμη, or mnimi. When mnimi is used in writing, it suggests looking back, reminiscing, or dwelling on the past.

When the preposition ana is added, however, it gives the word an entirely different connotation. The word αναμνησία, or anamnesis still translates to "remember" but becomes far more complex than just memory. Anamnesis is associated with incorporating memory into today, and bringing the past into the present.

The other day, I had almost reached the end of my list of quarantine activities, when I came across my old diary. And I can say with certainty that while deciphering the scribbled, nearly illegible handwriting of my 9 year-old self, I was experiencing a fair amount of ananmesis. 

Now, I know keeping a diary might not seem worth the effort. It may seem more appealing to spend the 20 minutes it would take to write an entry catching up on an episode of your favourite show, or scrolling through Instagram. Writing regularly takes discipline, and more often than not you might feel uninspired and unmotivated. Or maybe the thought of keeping a diary seems silly or embarrassing.

But there are a couple of reasons I think keeping a diary is absolutely worthwhile.

When you go through your life, you have no way of distinguishing another run-of-the-mill event from something formative and impactful. What might seem unimportant and ordinary at the time could end up crucial, and unless you've bookmarked your experiences, you have no way of realizing which aspects of your life have shaped you.

And maybe that seems absurd. I mean, if something was that important, people would remember it by themselves, right? People don't tend to forget their graduation, their first job, their wedding day. We don't forget our childhood pets or our loved ones. Some things seem ingrained in our memories forever.

Well, that's true to an extent.

According to a 2012 Northwestern Medicine study, our brains work like a game of Broken Telephone. You know- that game you probably played in elementary school, where everyone sits in a circle, and takes turns whispering a sentence into the next person's ear? By the time the message reaches the end of the circle, it usually changes considerably.

Similarly, when we remember a past event, our nervous system adjusts in such a way that alters the memory. So, the next time we remember that event, we aren't actually remembering it: we're remembering the last time we remembered it.

Donna Bridge, one of the lead authors of the Journal of Neuroscience at Northwestern University put it like this: "Your memory of an event can grow less precise even to the point of being totally false with each retrieval."

Our memories are constantly changing, and a diary becomes a timestamp that anchors our memories and keeps them accurate.

But why should we care? Why should we care which events were important? Why should we care that every detail of our memory is true?

Because one of the most important parts of being a whole, well-rounded person is by integrating your past self with your present self.

A common practice used by therapists is to have their patients write 'Transactional Letters' to their past selves. It validates and authenticizes the past, and is a way of consolidating who the patients are with who they were. It allows them to take a step back and say "I'm glad for what I went through, because it made me who I am today."

Transanctional letters to the past are so effective because someone's most current self is a continuation of all their past values, struggles, and successes.

When I went through my old diary last week, I found myself saying, "Wow, I loved drawing so much back then" or "I didn't realize how close I was with my old friends," or whatever it was about my entries that I found alluring. And on top of being a fun way to pass the time, reading my diary helped me integrate all my past interests and experiences with who I am today.

While a diary isn't necessarily the only way, it's certainly a helpful tool to extend your mnimi into anemnesis, and fully bring the past into the present.

And that's why keeping a diary is worth it.

I often find myself obsessing over obscure (yet compelling) historical events. Something will pop up on my YouTube feed, or I'll click on an ad on my web browser, and the next thing I know, I've spent 3 hours researching the fatalities of the Mont-Blanc tragedy (there were 1 950), or the amount of raincoats in the homemade raft of the infamous Alcatraz escapees (it was more than 50).

If you were raised in the early 2000's, the chances are pretty high that you were grew up on Mattel Creations Barbie movies. You know the ones- Princess and the Pauper, 12 Dancing Princesses, Diamond Castle, the list goes on.

Looking back, the animation was always a little unsettling, and the more movies you watched, the harder it was to tell each character apart. But by the power of nostalgia, those 90 minute features hold an important place in the hearts of most Gen Z's.

When I was in grade 1, a student who had recently immigrated from China enrolled in my school. She didn't speak a word of English but, like me, had spent the first six years of her life religiously studying Barbie movies. We navigated the language barrier by reenacting our favourites at recess, which sparked a life long friendship.

And sure, maybe Barbie wasn't as influential on your childhood as it was on mine, but she's been around for over 60 years, and she's indubitably left an impression on the majority of today's youth.

It might not have been a good impression, though.

There's a lot of controversy about Barbie's unrealistic proportions. Barbie has represented perfection and ideals for women around the world since 1959, and she is constantly criticized for promoting an unachievable body image for young girls. Her waist is tiny and her face is always caked with makeup.

Galia Slayen put it perfectly in her 2011 article, The Scary Reality of a Real-Life Barbie Doll: "If Barbie were a real woman, she'd have to walk on all fours due to her proportions".

And it's not just her body that evokes dysphoria in young girls. Slumber Party Barbie was released in 1965 and was sold with a number of accessories, including a scale, a mirror, and a little diet book entitled "How to Lose Weight: Don't Eat!"



I'm the first to admit that these expectations are disturbing and toxic. Slumber Party Barbie is completely inexcusable.

But the Barbie that kids are growing up with today is not the same Barbie that kids grew up with half a century ago.

Most of us remember back in 2016 when Mattel released its new line of Barbies which came with 3 new body types. We now have tall Barbies, petite Barbies, and curvy Barbies. But it didn't stop there. We have Barbies with hijabs, Barbies with wheelchairs, Barbies with cellulite. Barbies now come with seven different skin tones, 22 different eye colours, and 24 different hairstyles.

When I think of today's Barbie, I don't think of a skinny, ditzy blonde. I think of a celebration of real beauty.

And yes, Barbie is far from perfect. But she's improving every year.

A few months ago, a video popped up on my YouTube feed that completely illustrates my point. It was by a channel called Barbie Vlogs.

It was probably curiosity and nostalgia that led me to the video. I wasn't expecting to enjoy it- I think I just wanted to know what had happened to the foundation of my childhood. But once I had clicked on one episode, I was instantly hooked. Before I knew it, 3 hours had passed.

It was a 3 minute animation called Feeling Blue? You're Not Alone. It was formatted like a standard vlog channel: Barbie starts her camera, sits down at her desk, and starts talking to her subscribers.


At that point, I expected a makeup tutorial or a slime video, but I kept watching.

Barbie opens by confessing that she woke up that morning feeling blue. "No real reason that I can think of" she says, "just blue". Then she gives viewers a list of her favourite strategies to deal with her sadness. She journals every night before bed. She organizes her room. She exercises. She talks to people. She even has a Buddhist meditation that she demonstrates on camera.

She goes on to admit that sometimes these strategies don't work, and discusses what happens then.

But I won't spoil everything she talks about, because I highly recommend watching the video yourself.

The next day, I told my friend- the one I played Barbies with at recess in grade 1- about the YouTube channel, and I'll admit, I received some backlash. For someone who grew up on the Princess and the Pauper, it's hard to even acknowledge the new Barbie. But I found this channel really powerful, because it tells girls what they need to hear. Not just that they should be skinny, wear makeup, and think about boys, but that it's normal to be sad, and it's normal to not know why, and it's normal to not feel normal.

I love that there's a free, accessible, realistic role model for today's kids to follow. And I know that as our society becomes more educated, Barbie will continue to improve.

And that's why Barbie is more than just a doll.